It is a very difficult thing for me to admit, but the truth is that I am a smoker.  I can’t say exactly when I picked up the habit or why I do it, but I do.  I hide behind the bushes of my house or in the garage, behind buildings when I am out in public just to get in a quick puff.  Very few people know that I smoke and my children and closest friends are certainly unaware I am one of those people who smoke.  I guess you can say I hide it well, and I don’t look the kind of person who would smoke.  Probably most interesting is that I also consider myself extremely health conscious with a punctuated concern to keep myself and all living things around me healthy.  I envision myself as a healer one day. Perhaps that part of me is why I chose to take a  Reiki. Training  Talk about living in a hypocrisy.

Very recently I came down with a bronchial type cold.  Coughing and sputtering up phlegm unable to sleep through the night….the whole nine yards.  I began using my inexperienced Reiki to try and make myself well.  I remained patient and consistent drawing in my minds eye the Cho Ku Ray symbol on my forehead with my fire finger.   I felt that paying specific attention to the area around my heart chakra with the other hand on my throat was the exact positioning I needed.  I beamed energy, achieved stillness and began to see the Sei Hei Ki symbol in my brain. I knew what it was because to me the symbol looks like the profile of a little man dressed in cultural garb.  I opened my eyes and tried to begin again, feeling distracted by what I was seeing.  Problem was that every time I tried to help myself activating Cho Ku Ray, my mind would wander back to Sei Hei Ki. As a novice and easily frustrated I quit for the moment and went about my day coughing and sputtering and smoking in secret.

Later that evening, it hit me while I was cooking dinner.  Again I was caught trying to control the Reiki rather than allow the Reiki to work through me.  The symbol I was seeing during my earlier session was trying to tell me that where I really needed the energy to heal was in a far more meaningful place than the one I had chosen.  Sure, my hands over the heart was probably a good place to start, but Sei Hei Ki, or as I refer to as the little man was telling me that it was my habit, my smoking and my emotional tie to it that was behind my illness.  It wasn’t just a cold, it was a manifestation of all the guilt, remorse and self loathing I feel because I am a smoker.  What Reiki was trying to tell me was that I had to heal this emotion before I could work on my bronchitis.  The sheer fact that I hide in embarrassment to smoke, keep it a secret from those I love and would be so ashamed if I was caught by a friend indicate how powerful the habit is to me.  Not only that, these negative feelings that I associate with my smoking pinch off my energy and shut down my resources.  The cigarette may never make me sick, but the way I feel about it will indeed!  I ran through my notes and sure enough the little man symbol was sent into my minds eye so that I could ‘kick’ the habit and heal this unwanted emotional and mental hang up. 

It always surprises me how accurate Reiki is.  After several days of treatment and remaining in a state of allowing I did feel much better.  My cough subsided and ironically my desire to smoke lessened.  Yes, I still hide it from my kids and I haven’t quit yet!  I do realize though that each time I partake in this habit I am telling myself in a very loud voice that I do not deserve health and wellbeing, that I am a failure and this emotion is detrimental to my own well being.  What I have done is written my secret on a piece of paper that I hold in my hand each morning and night.  As I do this I beam and I imagine my little man, Sei Hei ki assisting me.  I have also given in and am allowing this Reiki to work in its own time.  This has boosted my confidence and I know now tat my smoking days are coming to an end very soon. Until then, please don’t tell anyone I smoke.