Most people understand that the major cause of relationship failure is a lack of communication-and they are absolutely correct. Poor communication is the basis of most relationship failure but unfortunately knowing this rarely resolves the issue. As partners whove “talked themselves until blue in the face” know-talking is not necessarily communication. Partners can make great efforts to commit themselves to spending more time expressing themselves, sharing their thoughts and desires while acting kinder and more appreciative. I strongly recommend it! Yet this improvement may last only days, weeks or even months. Sooner or later the deeper current of unresolved guilt raises its nasty head, sometimes awkwardly and other times quite subtly. Weve all watched a partner do a Jekel and Hyde one moment at ease, the next a snarling grizzly bear.

UNRESOLVED GUILT
Unhealed guilt from transgressions committed and withheld is like old paint which seeps through a thin top coating masking the corrosion beneath. Slapping a coat of “pink paint” over denial and rationalizations veneer doesnt last. The Ego reasserts itself and its need to be right. Painting on rust or corrosion feeds the erosive process already in progress. Eventually criticisms and judgements return and the tranquility lost. Projecting or transferring these feelings onto another allows one to deny their sense of guilt and get it “out” of their mind. These are the reasons fault finding begins with your partner. Once your start on the egos roller coaster ride of guilt, small idiosyncrasies or minor faults become overwhelming obstacles that cause you to wonder if you should just leave. Leaving; causing a separation is what the egos purpose is about. Separating, leaving and getting away from the one person who reminds you most of the transgressions which you have committed. Worse yet is your unconscious response, your egos repression drive causes  discomfort from your guilt which is generating fear and increasing its sense of separation as this is placed this into your unconscious mind. Its curious that the source of your current reactions may have originally involved someone you dont even consciously remember from decades ago in the past. The unconscious mind has no mechanism that says this was then-and its not then any more so you do not have to respond as if it was happening now. In the unconscious mind, the guilt and pain from your childhood, teenage and earlier parts of adult life-are re-experienced again and again and again until they are given a chance to be released at physical, emotional, mental and spiritual levels. Nobodys ego wants to be reminded of their fall from grace – their dip into the darkened waters of the dark side. The ego seeks to keep its shadow side kept well hidden out of sight so it does not expose its perceived weakness and open itself to punishment. The ego believes guilt deserves punishment and punishment is to be avoided at all costs. Human frailty combined with an aggressive impulse to survival dominates human behavior to create a full array of reasons that in its belief system justifies criticisms, finger pointing, accusations or attack thinking, attack speaking or attack actions toward another. This is all the egos “solution” to break away, split off and separate itself from its partner. The key word to remember here is separation. When separation is believed to have happened in the mind-when thoughts, feelings or actions can not be openly shared-then a disconnection of love, trust, patience, respect and
tolerance has occurred – opening the door to emotional outbursts, untrusting attitudes, disrespect and impatience.

THE QUESTION : JOINED TOGETHER OR NOT –A DEMONSTRATION
Please take a moment and join both your hands together interweaving your fingers. This represents shared interests, unity and being joined together. Now lift up a finger one at a time until you separate your hands. Notice how the hands are now facing each other with a space in between. The unity has broken and now there is a space for conflict, opposition and feeling disconnected. Theres a right side and a left side, duality has been created. Guilt is the space in-between that which was once joined together. The more guilt-the more distance your hands move apart. Soon-one hand doesnt know what the other is doing! Overtime; feelings become numbed or deadened and fear, upset or greater anxiety sets in. Often individuals may lose their energy, always feel stressed. Many sense an armoring of your heart-to protect it from more harm you no longer feel connected to the body!

As you look at the hands as they are apart, there now appears to be conflicting interests(interests apart from each other). This often escalates as one partner begins to feel the other partner is going to find out their secrets and be exposed. This fear of being found out causes another myriad of overreactions, criticisms, protests, judgements and defensiveness. The ego is strengthened each time that you using the decision maker-part of your mind, hides something that you believe you did wrong. Sometimes the guilt is from an act of omission, something that wasnt done that you agreed to do or were responsible for doing.

This ongoing deception causes you to be “on guard” and is an underlying contributor to auto immune diseases, heart trouble, cancer, fibro myalgia and many more ailments. Worse-yet, staying “on guard” forces you to waste energy and feel drained. You now must guard your words and your actions while scrutinizing their words and behavior to ensure they dont know what you are withholding! The “marriage” (the joining together of your hands, heart and mind) has ended and a “battlefield” has been put in its place.Ready, aim, fire!

FEAR OF PUNISHMENT
When you carry around any guilt regarding your partner-the underlying fear of punishment for this transgression-pollutes and toxifies every feeling, thought or interaction you have with this person. You now respond through the armor of the mental and emotional defenses youve erected (perhaps anger, the quiet treatment, the famous “give me my space” or the protesting “I cant trust you any more”). There is an endless variety of ways to make another wrong and yourself right and continue to support your egos belief system. This is a very uncomfortable and exhausting inner process and like our nations defense budget-takes up a huge percentage of your “energy and attention” budget. This is why most guilt ridden people also have a strategy of attacking the other person-fault finding, nit picking, judging and diminishing them in some way to justify their misdeeds and deceptions and help make themselves right (the ego part of our minds always wants to be right-to be right means to survive-to be wrong is to fail). Guilt ridden

people-no matter how hard they repress their transgression, justify it and project then out, these bad feelings of fear, it only makes matters worse. This withholding and deception is multiplied and not given away. Now the other person has their guilt ridden past triggered in them causing them upset and fear also!.

BAD FEELINGS MULTIPLY
Sadly all projection creates is more guilt, bigger battles and multiplies the bad feelings even further (especially to the innocent bystanders like children, family, close friends and workers). Very quickly the drama of this separation escalades and each person now enlists whomever it can to be allies to support their version of why theyre right and the other person is wrong. The ego seeks to survive at all costs and uses a wide variety of battle tested strategies to control, manipulate and dominate. (Sometimes the control is by pretending to be a victim or submissive). Sadly this results in greater fear, larger defenses and a huge drain of resources. Have you ever seen anyone who made themselves or another feel bad, unloved, un-needed or wrong, ever cause anyone to feel good and happy?

THE SOLUTION – The Reconciliation Process
There is no question it takes lots of courage to own up to your mistakes-and take responsibility for them. This is what my Reconciliation Process deals with and effectively resolves – I understand people are often too afraid of the consequences of being honest fearing they will be penalized for becoming truthful. This is why this process is best worked through with a professional especially when major personal or legal consequences may result. The art of reconciliation requires a person-not emotionally or personally tied to the outcome-but someone with a vision of the greatest good for all involved; presently and for the future-for there are often many impacted by these disclosures. Perhaps this is why every 12 step Recovery program includes this step. Like alcoholism or drug addiction-egos are addicted to living a life full of guilt and drama! Most go from one relationship to another never cleansing themselves fully of their past indiscretions. Is it any wonder the many relationships which begin with deceit and guilt end up in a similar fashion sometime later?

A HEALED RELATIONSHIP
Only when relationships are planted in clean, healthy soil-free of harmful toxins and pests-will a relationship thrive and bloom. Purifying the soil for growing healthy fruit means there has been a nurturing of the key elements. In relationships this is called integrity. Without integrity, relationships are colored with dishonesty and deceipt-separation. A relationship can be challenging enough without these hidden dynamics eating away at the foundation of the joining together. Withholds and deceptions are like unseen termites devouring the foundation and support beams of the home. Being impeccable with your word isnt something to agree with on an intellectual level to pretend youre a spiritual person like Don Miguel Ruiz, the author of “The Four Agreements”. Honesty is the best policy because it allows you to feel love – to feel peace and to feel the power of your soul – withholding weakness, fragments, breaks into pieces as you become more and more isolated, withdrawn, resentful and depressed. Its not that you tell your partner every last detail about your life – its that you hide cant anything.

Its the hiding that is the act of repression that causes your inner split and lets this feeling of guilt access to your deep inner power. You greatly weaken yourself and predispose yourself to illness. Until you learn to return yourself to a place of integrity you will be in a perpetual rollercoaster of relationships never being loved how you yearn for but imprisoned in a protective armor that lets no one in keeps everyone out.

FRAUD
Fraud is another type of dishonesty that causes separation and conflict at deep levels. In regards to relationships it is when one party pretends to be, feel or act in a certain way to get something else they want from the other. Call it pretense, deception, trickery or fraud – it creates a “hidden” dynamic whereby you “sell your soul to the devil!” The devil is your egoic belief that you are incomplete, not enough, lacking, deficient or missing something you believe you need to feel good about yourself or life. Many people have unconscious drives or compulsions to satisfy a certain belief they have been conditioned in by their parents, friends or society. The “must have this or that” philosophy of looking outside yourself to get more and more of this or of that to be happy, successful, important, liked or admired – is a bucket that can never be filled – as theres a hole in the bottom! Living a life based on getting instead of giving of the gifts you have in your heart brings constant struggle, stress and dissatisfaction. Worse, this “must have this or that” to feel good about yourself makes you a victim to others who you believe possesses what you need! Whether its their money, protection, “love”, support, help or sympathy – addiction to another destroys your awareness of freedom, abundance and Self Awareness. This state of mind contains a deep hatred for the other person as you are happy only if the other person shares this with you. The egoic belief of its “one or the other” and only one of us can “possess” this, so it better be me – is the foundation to this egoic belief in scarcity. This is easily seen in the way the Bible pits the “chosen” people against those not chosen. It creates a specialness and a deep seated death wish to get what “I need and want” no matter what. This getting could be money, power, love, validation, acknowledgement, self esteem, pleasure or happiness – that you believe this person is in control of giving you.

Either way, living in a fraudulent state of mind betrays the essence of your being and attacks your Creator – saying you were created wrongly, missing something essential that you need. You now act like a vampire seeking blood, Ill do what it takes to get it any way you can. Like a prostitute you sell yourself – pretending to be something youre not to get what you believe you need and hating your Creator and the other person for “putting” you in this position.

Until you learn to live a life that is for giving of your heart to others to multiply the gifts of your blessed creation – you end up living a life of constant neediness – an addictive craving for getting what you believe you lack to feel whole. And – since you cant give what you dont have (love, trust, peace, etc.) – you only give your neediness! Lets face it – who wants a “needy” person? Only another needy person who is desperate enough to sell their soul for the little you offer them to make real their illusion of their egoic false self. The key for reconciling fraud is to rededicate the purpose of your relationship to a higher purpose, a joining together of your love and commitment. Only one of you need Begin this – whoever is most sane at the time. This person has completed the Reconciliation Process and learned how to develop a level of devotion which looks beyond the difficulties of the best. And start again sharing with each what you have and honoring the blessed nature of what your partner offers in their party.

CONCLUSION
Remember-you choose whether to be open, honest, truthful and connected or you choose to be separated, upset, fearful and unhappy. Your decisions and your choices determine the life you experience. You are responsible for the way you interpret and experience life. You can blame others all you want, it wont make you happy until you realize when you point a finger at someone to blame-3 fingers point back at you!

Learn to step back and find another way to remain connected to your partner. Pausing first allows you to consider the bigger picture and understand the consequences of your actions. The way to peace is through integrity – being true to yourself and your spiritual ideals. As you learn to re-educate yourself with Miracle Minded thinking and forgive the mistakes of the past, you can create wonderful possibilities for loving and fun relationships in all areas of your life. As you reap so do you sow, as you give so do you receive. I hope youll apply these principles well and enjoy much happiness.

Dr. Brian Sheen

‘Healing and Building Relationships ©2006-Dr. Brian Sheen - http://www.spiritgrowth.com

The Quantum Healing Center – 12 NE 5th Avenue – Delray Beach, FL 33438 – 561 272 3733