Excerpted from HOW TO STARTLE YOURSELF:

And finally, the latest scientific discovery:       ©

           

            Two tiny glands have recently been discovered in human physiology, unknown till this century, named Moncrieffe’s Glands after their discoverer. They are extremely small, almost microscopic, and have not shown up either in autopsies nor surgery because they are virtually undetectable unless stimulated. They lie in the lower cheek area, normally about a centimeter above the corners of the mouth, and are only stimulated when these corners reach up to touch them. They are very powerful and normally have an immediate and noticeable effect on body chemistry.

 

            The familiar name for these glands is Jesticles, and upon stimulation they release a short burst of Jesticulate, a powerful endorphin, into the bloodstream. Absorption of Jesticulate is followed almost immediately by sharp optimization of the immune system, which can be measured instantaneously by the chemical IgA (Immunoglobulin) in saliva. This contrasts with system deterioration caused by negative emotions such as grief or rage, a subject extensively researched by the Heart-Math Institute, which used IgA analysis to measure immune-system response and susceptibility to a range of diseases.

 

            Further research is ongoing, but there would appear to be a significant human percentage in which proper stimulation of the glands has been lacking from infancy, causing  moderate to severe atrophy in adulthood.  Subjects may compensate for a shortage of Jesticulate though needlessly extreme behaviors, such as addictions, violent crime, risk-taking, power-seeking, war-mongering and other anti-social proclivities. Other subjects have shown determination in finding badly-situated or hard-to-reach glands by developing prodigious smiles, (such as one very well-known movie star).  Exceptional jesticulators appear to be virtually impregnable to disease or premature aging and death.

 

            Recent double-blind tests on volunteers have shown that optimum immunity is reached when the Jesticles are stimulated at least six times per 24 hours. Laboratory experiments have shown that overdosing to the point of health-risk is next to impossible because the Jesticles become depleted, though normally for a very short recovery term. Permanent euphoria is pronounced in those who average 15 or more stimulations, leading to a measurable condition known to produce a natural life-span extension of 23 per cent, as compared to those with an average stimulation rate of less than 4 per diem. 

 

I just thought you ought to know….  Christopher Murphy